“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” ~Mark Twain
 
“The essence of married love is not romance, but forgiveness…” ~H. S. Krushner
 
“The tongue has the power of life and death, those who love it will eat its fruit.” ~Proverbs 18:21

The bus journey is endless and I rest my head against the window. There is an unknown restlessness stirring within me. The topic in our counsellor training group today was forgiveness. Two group members were talking across the group about the need for one of them to forgive his father. The father was getting older and the unforgiving son was running out of time. It was their story and I thought nothing of it. But now on the bus my mind is turning the conversation over and over like an autumn leaf dancing in the wind. A seemingly random thought careens into my mind – what about your father? I have not seen him for years, deciding long ago to cut my parents out my life in order to create space for healing my deep emotional hurts. When I moved house, I left no forwarding address.
 
Now, sitting on the bus, the Holy Spirit speaks to me in a whisper that rises to a crescendo. It is so loud in my head, I wonder if anyone on the bus is audibly hearing it. The Spirit tells me it is time, that by removing my physical presence I am punishing my father for the way I perceive I have been hurt. More profoundly, I am punishing myself! I am brought to my proverbial knees. The bus is too crowded to physically kneel and I do not want to risk being seen as a mad woman! But my spirit kneels. For years I have been angry with my father for not protecting me from my mother’s devastating rages. It never occurred to me until this moment that he was devastated by them too! Over years of witnessing my parents’ appalling on/off relationship, I realise that childish eyes only see through their own hurts.
 
As soon as I walk in my front door I make the phone call. He reacts as if we have talked yesterday. We arrange to meet the following day at the train station in Parramatta and walk to a café for lunch. My heart lurches when I see him, for he is a broken man. We hardly enter the laneway behind the café when I stop him and ask his forgiveness for the hurt I have caused him by cutting him out of my life. He breaks down and weeps uncontrollably. Even though our ensuing lunch is all about him, I do not mind. Years of pain and hurt from my mother pour forth from him like blood-letting. As I listen, somehow my heart feels free for, “Forgiveness is the answer to the child’s dream of a miracle by which what is broken is made whole again, what is soiled is made clean again” (Hammarskjold, 1964, p. 124).

It is another five years before he faces death and a life of regret. In his dying days he agonises with horrific distress. It is harrowing to watch his emotional death rattle. I had hoped he would leave a rich legacy that would soothe my throbbing heart and bestow a positive inheritance on my children. In grief I realised that this was not to be. However, I am forever grateful that God challenged me to forgive, because now I am free to live without lingering pain. “I had to clear up my messy life,” laments Sharon Rainey (2010), “By letting go of the debris and filth, I have come to a deeper, more soulful beauty and clarity like an oasis in the desert. From that place of clarity, a vision of what I could have, what I could do, who I could be has emerged if I allow my heart to become a place of compassion, acceptance and forgiveness.”
 
Looking back on forgiving my father (and one often only sees clearly when looking back) I realise how forgiving him has also released me to forgive and let go of other difficult relationships in my life. An epiphany of sorts also occurred when I finally understood my deceased mother’s role in my relational dysfunctions. Forgiving my mother was a huge struggle, but it has allowed me to surrender my stubborn defences that were needed to survive in my childhood home (far from easy). My deceased mother’s behaviour was the hallmark of unchecked anxiety leading to hatred, bitterness and a life of alienation and loneliness. She symbolises for me how lack of forgiveness corrodes the soul and hurts those orbiting around it. The Bible says that bitterness defiles everyone its orbit. This was my experience growing up with my mother, but I am breaking the cycle and I my heart leaps to give and receive the gift of forgiveness.
 
What does God Say about Forgiveness?
 
The Scriptures are strong on forgiveness which informs us it must be important to God. Here is a sampling of verses:

Luke 11:4:
“And forgive us our sins, for we ourselves forgive everyone who is indebted to us. And lead us not into temptation.” 
 
Luke 17:3:
“If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.”              
                                                                                                                                                    
Matthew 5:23-24:
“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.”
 
Matthew 6:14-15:
“For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 
But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”
 
Matthew 18:21-22:
“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me?  Up to seven times?  Jesus answered, “I tell you not seven times, but seventy-seven times.”

We crave healing and release, but we are often left with the residual of what to do with the hurt and pain others have inflicted on us and the hurt and pain we have inflicted on others. What frees us? Isaiah 43: 18-19 exclaims,“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!
 Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” For me, forgiveness has paved the way for a hope that does not disappoint. Even though forgiveness is how God heals my emotional triggers and wounds, it is impossible to heal completely without forgiving my offenders and myself for my offences. The root of “forgive” is the Latin word “perdonare” meaning “to give completely, without reservation” (The Word Detective, 2018). The English word “pardon” is a derivative. The Greek word “forgive” is “aphiemi” meaning “to go away from a place, to depart from, to remove oneself from an association with, to leave behind” (Precept Austin, 2018). Thus, “the image underlying “aphiemi” is that of releasing a prisoner (Isaiah 61:1), or letting go, as of a debt (Deuteronomy 15:3) …the principle of release from punishment for some wrongdoing” (Precept Austin, 2018). In forgiving my father, I ceased to punish both him and myself, releasing both of us and our relationship to God. Only then was I fee to move on in my life.

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

God says in His Word that forgiveness is not an option, but mandatory for Christians (Matthew 5:23-24; 6:14-15; 18:21-22). In the parable of the unmerciful servant in Matthew 18:21-25, we are told that God will give us as much grace as we are willing to bestow on others. If we refuse to forgive, we will not experience God’s forgiveness (Matthew 6:14-15). Forgiveness can be profoundly difficult if the hurt or offence is deep. Forgiving often involves rage, pain and grief. We want forgiveness to be quick, to believe that what happened in the past is long gone; for example, we say, “Let bygones be bygones” or, “What’s done is done” or “Nothing can change the past.” Painful emotions do not just go away with the passage of time. Old, long neglected pain may re-surface when faced with a present event or crisis that evokes similar emotions. The present situation triggers an unhealed wound.
 
What is the Result of a Allowing the Root of Bitterness to Grow?
 
Someone once said that the bitter heart eats its owner. Allowing bitterness to take root in our lives results in several destructive outcomes:

• Bitterness contaminates others

Unforgiveness punishes those closest to us. It’s like we are attempting to get rid of our own pain by inflicting it on others. Hebrews 12:15 warns, “See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” Unequivocally, bitterness “defiles many.” My mother’s bitterness, expressed though her unchecked anger, greatly damaged me. Those we love most pay the price for our lack of forgiveness. Our children learn not to forgive us for our failures. We show them that some sins are unforgivable. God does not operate like that.

• Bitterness prevents God’s healing

God wants to move us toward healing and wholeness. Forgiveness is essential to the process. If we choose not to forgive, we shut out Jesus and join Satan’s camp. Satan loves how bitterness keeps us under the power of the abuser or the one who hurt us. As long as I hated my parents, I was stuck together with them like glue. Even the death of my mother offered no relief. Hence, unforgiveness allows those who wounded us to continually have power over us. Hatred is as strong an emotional bond as love. It is like an invisible umbilical cord that persistently feeds us with negativity and bitterness.

 Photo by Noah Buscher on Unsplash

What is Forgiveness?
 
It is difficult to forgive and let go if we do not understand what forgiving means. Forgiveness involves three types:

1. Forgiving those who participated in wounding, offending or shaming us;
2. Forgiving ourselves for perpetuating our own pain (for believing the lies the enemy implanted when we were wounded and the suffering that we have caused ourselves in the name of the other people who participated in wounding us); and,
3. Forgiving ourselves for hurting others where we have wounded or shamed someone else.

Sometimes, forgiving ourselves is as difficult as forgiving others (more about this in the next blog). In truth, we can only forgive as we begin to understand how God has forgiven us, totally and unconditionally (Matthew 18:21-35). God is incredibly, wildly, ridiculously forgiving. If we refuse to forgive, we have set ourselves up as God with our own list of stipulations for forgiveness. If we refuse to forgive we will suffer physically as well as psychologically.
 
Yet, forgiveness is not always easy. It may help to consider the following truths about forgiveness:

• Forgiveness does not always lead to reconciliation

Romans 12:17-18 urges, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”  The phrase “if possible” is translated in The Message as “If you’ve got it in you…” Reconciliation requires that both parties change. We are only responsible for our part. Forgiveness does not mean we have to like, love or trust, or even respect the one who hurt us. It simply means the absence of revenge. Romans 12:19-21 insists, “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.” Likewise, Romans 12:9 affirms, “Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil, cling to what is good.” Revenge belongs to God who will execute what is right and just.
 
Yet, to let go may seem like giving in, that what happened would make it acceptable and we would risk being hurt again. Forgiveness is not discarding the desire for justice it does mean that we trust God to bring justice. To “leave room forGod’s wrath” is to leave room for true justice, not like the unpredictable, irrational malice of humans (I Peter 2:23). Holding on to revenge will cause me to become like the one who hurt me. Romans 12:17-21 urges, “Do not repay anyone evil for evil…” Instead, forgiveness requires the love that Dan Allender (2014) defines as, “the free gift that voluntarily cancels the debt in order to free the debtor to become what he might be if he experiences the joy of restoration.” It is also, “a movement of grace to embrace those who have sinned against us” (Allender, cited in Mahill, 2007, p. 180)

• Forgiveness breaks the cycle

If bitterness is not dealt with quickly it becomes sin and it allows Satan to gain a foothold in our lives. Ephesians 4:26-27 warns, “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” Anger (and unforgiveness) not addressed morph into bitterness, defined as “intense animosity toward another that erodes our peace of mind and robs of joy” (Ryan, 1992). Ephesians 4:31 pleads, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.” Bitterness begins as a choice not to forgive those who wrong us. It begins almost imperceptibly like a tiny, malignant tumour that grows and spreads into a cancer which eventually destroys our life. A wise unknown author wrote:

When we find that even our most intimate earthly companions can’t provide the depth of relationship for which we were created, bitterness may be the tempting reaction. Yet there is a healthier response. We can see the imperfections in our own relationships as a salutary reminder. God alone is the One to whom we must look for life and unfailing love. To forget that is to lose the path that leads back home.

Ultimately, unforgiveness is independence from God and this is defined as sin. The sin of unforgiveness hates vulnerability and loves control.
 
The only antidote for bitterness is forgiveness. Someone once said that even though much of our pain is self-chosen, it is never too late to become what we might have been. Forgiving is necessary, not because the person who hurt us deserves it, but it is the only way to find release and peace. Forgiveness is an act of the will that abandons the option of bitterness and revenge.  It is unconditional. It is a promise that the hurt in question will never again cause us to punish the person who hurt us. This struggle to forgive is participating in God’s redemption and part of undoing the effects of the Fall. It is costly. It cost Jesus His life (Matthew 6:14-15).

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

• Forgiveness involves speaking life words

Ephesians 4:29 counsels, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”  Before expressing anger to the one who wounded us, it is beneficial to ask ourselves, “Will what I have to say and how I say it build up or tear it down?” Psalm 141:3 contends, “Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips.” Over time, God can use our anger constructively, to grow and to build, not destroy. One way to do this is speaking life words as opposed to death words. Life words are not syrupy – they wound in order to heal. They long for reconciliation by inflicting pain to prevent further destruction. They are bold but emerge from a broken place – sorrow over our own loss, sorrow over the offender’s loss and sorrow over our broken world. Life words warn and expose. They draw attention to the destructive forces of the heart. They invite change and restoration. 

We grieve the Holy Spirit when we speak death words from a heart filled with anger and bitterness. Ephesians 4:30; 32 pleads, “…do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption…. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ forgave you.” The word “kind” means “of a forbearing nature…gentle” (Merriam-Webster, n.d.). Kindness requires courage and strength and may not always look “sweet.” Romans 2:4 (MSG) observes, “God is kind, but he’s not soft. In kindness he takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into radical life change.” Life words are a courageous and thoughtful choice. They are a movement of grace to embrace those who have sinned against us.

• Forgiveness requires dedication and hard work

The process of forgiveness often must be repeated more than once, but we will not be angry and full of grief forever. C. S. Lewis (1958, p. 254) knew this when he said:

We find that the work of forgiveness has to be done over and over again. We, forgive, we mortify our resentment; a week later some chain of thought carries us back to the original offence and we discover the old resentment blazing away as if nothing had been done about it at all. We need to forgive our brother seventy times seven not only for 490 offenses but for one offence.

There is an end. David was able to say, “You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy…” (Psalms 30:11). And Dennis Merritt Jones (2014, p. 210) reminds us, “Remember, forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean forgetting. We may always have memories attached to some of our emotional wounds in much the same way we have scar tissue from a physical wound that happened long ago. That doesn’t mean you have to relive the pain that caused the scar.”

• Forgiveness is modelled by God

He gives us a pattern for forgiving and preventing the spread of bitterness. In the Old Testament, Micah 7:19 says that God, “hurl[s] all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.” When God forgives us, He does not even remember our sin. In Isaiah 43:25 God says, “I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.” The Message translates it, “I don’t keep a list of your sins.” God does not minimise, avoid or pretend about the wrong we have done to Him. He fully faced the pain and hurt when Jesus took forgiveness to completion on the cross. No unresolved pain or anger lies hidden in God’s heart when He forgives us. If we follow his model we will be free to live.

What is the Secret to Forgiveness?
 
The secret to forgiveness is found in Luke 6:28 that says, “bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.” The Message translates it, “When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer for that person.” It is difficult to continue to hate someone we bless and pray for. Forgiveness means entrusting our offenders to God and praying that God will give them what we want for ourselves and those we love – forgiveness, favour, grace, success, rich relationships, and so on. In his helpful book, Forgive and Forget, Lewis Smedes (2007, pp. 28; 29) writes, “Forgiving, then, is a new vision and a new feeling that is given to the person who forgives…True forgivers do not pretend they don’t suffer. They do not pretend the wrong does not matter much…You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well.”
 
What makes praying blessings over our offenders so difficult is that we want them to pay for hurting us. We ache for justice in the world. Yet, if God punished us as we deserve, we would be annihilated. He offers us grace and blessing instead, even when we are guilty and undeserving. This kind of grace only comes from the good heart of a loving God. In healing us, He grows a spirit of grace in us towards others who are undeserving. Then, our prayers to bless others actually bless us and bring us into the peace our for which our weary hearts. God confirms this in Colossians 3:12-17 (MSG):

So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.

Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ—the Message—have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way.

Photo by Sincerely Media on Unsplash

Lastly, Lewis Smedes (1996, p. 34) concludes, “Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future…To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” 
 
How Will I Know I Have Forgiven?
 
Forgiveness is a process. I will know I have forgiven when:

• I am no longer chained to the hurt
• I am no longer hurting or distancing the other person because I have been hurt
• I am no longer using the memory of the hurt as a weapon
• I open myself to vulnerability – to being hurt again
• My energy starts to move in future directions
• I feel free to live again without lingering pain

Phyllis Hobe (n.d.) summarises the essence of forgiveness in her quote, “Love isn’t a consolation prize. It is the energy, the intelligence and the creativity to deal with all of life, when it is bad, when it is good. It won’t come up with a silver lining, but it will get you through darkness. Not always without injury. Not without pain. But alive. And fully a person.”
 
Reflect…

Reflect on how God has forgiven you.

Write or draw a picture of what God has forgiven you for.

Thank God for His forgiveness while tearing up or burning the paper.

Who is God calling you to forgive right now?

What do you need to forgive them for (write a list or draw a picture).

Ask God for His love to forgive — the same love that has forgiven you.

How do you feel now with God’s forgiveness working in and through you?
 
Write or draw that feeling.

Closing Thoughts…
 
Even though forgiveness is mandatory in the Scriptures, it is complex and challenging. Forgiveness does not always lead to reconciliation, but it breaks the cycle and is the only antidote for bitterness. Forgiveness requires dedication, hard work and speaking life words to the one who has offended us. God modelled forgiveness for us through his death and resurrection. Forgiveness means entrusting our offenders to God and praying for them what we want for ourselves and those we love – forgiveness, favour, grace, success, rich relationships, and so on.

A Declaration…
 
I declare that although others have hurt me, God uses it for good. I declare that forgiving is a powerful part of my testimony. I declare that as I am forgiven by heavenly father, so I forgive those who have hurt me. I release those who have hurt me into God’s loving arms and I declare God’s comfort, peace and joy over them. I declare I am kind and tender-hearted, forgiving those who offended me just as Christ also forgave me of my sins (Ephesians 4:32).
 
A Prayer…
 
Dear Merciful Lord, thank you for your gift of forgiveness. Your only Son loved me enough to come to earth and experience the worst pain imaginable so I could be forgiven. Your mercy flows to me in spite of my faults and failures. Your Word says to “clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony.” (Colossians 3:14). Help me demonstrate unconditional love today, even to those who hurt me. 
 
I understand that even though I feel scarred, my emotions don’t have to control my actions. Father, may Your sweet words saturate my mind and direct my thoughts. Help me release the hurt and begin to love as Jesus loves. I want to see my offender through my Saviour’s eyes. If I can be forgiven, so can they. I understand there are no levels to your love.
 
You teach me to “let the peace that comes from Christ rule in our hearts.” (Colossians 3:15). When I forgive in words, allow your Holy Spirit to fill my heart with peace. I pray this peace that only comes from Jesus will rule in my heart, keeping out doubt and questions. With gratitude I can draw closer to you and let go of unforgiveness. With gratitude I can see the person who caused my pain as loved and accepted by You. Help me find the compassion that comes with true forgiveness.
 
And when I see the person who hurt me, bring this prayer back to my remembrance, so I can take any ungodly thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). And may the confidence of Christ in my heart guide me into the freedom of forgiveness. I praise you for the work you are doing in my life, teaching and perfecting my faith. In Jesus’ Name, Amen. (Adapted from: 4 Prayers for Forgiveness – For Self and Others, by Kristine Brown, 2017)
 
About the author: Dr. Paula Davis is a clinical counsellor, supervisor and educator specialising in psychological trauma. She has worked in higher education over many years as senior lecturer in counselling. Along with her husband she designs and delivers marriage enrichment/education programs in Australia, Africa, Sri Lanka, India and Europe.

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