“I am not free while any woman is unfree, even when her shackles are very different from my own.” — Audre Lorde
“Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be; embrace who you are.” — Brenè Brown
“A woman of valor who can find? For her price is far above rubies.” — Proverbs 31:10
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The Proverbs 31 Woman
To deepen my understanding of complementarianism and egalitarianism, I turn to Proverbs 31. As I revisit Proverbs 31:10-31, I begin to see it through a fresh lens. This passage, often upheld as a blueprint for the “ideal woman,” introduces the eshet chayil, translated as the “wife of noble character” or, more vibrantly, the “woman of valour.”
For years, this text has been used to define biblical womanhood in terms of duties, achievements, and roles, often leaving women feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and inadequate. But what if this passage is less about what she does and more about who she is? What if her worth lies not in her accomplishments but in her character, her courage, and her faithfulness?
In a church where we spent a significant portion of our lives, Proverbs 31 was the centrepiece of every woman’s conference, an annual tradition that, to this day, still makes me cringe when I receive an invitation to attend one. The impossible standards held up as the ideal left me feeling crushed under their weight, guilty for falling short, and ashamed of my perceived inadequacies. I resonate deeply with Sarah Bessey, who, when endeavouring to meet an unrealistic standard for motherhood in order to gain admission to an exclusive group of Proverbs 31 women, experienced a profound sense of exhaustion and emotional turmoil.
Bessey describes how this pursuit did not align with the principles of the Vine, nor did it represent the Kingdom of God. It was not the path of a redeemed woman living a fulfilling life. Instead, it was the struggle of someone attempting to earn validation through her mothering, when God had already bestowed upon her the gifts of grace and love. This striving woman bore the weight of unmet expectations—not only from the Church, but from herself and society.
Like Bessey, I had been handed a lemon. Eventually, I fell off the hamster wheel of striving and collapsed in a heap of emotional and physical exhaustion, feeling powerless and out of control in my life and relationships. I had genuinely tried to be the best wife and mother I could be, modelling myself after those who seemed to have it all together, believing this was what God required of me.
The Relief of Eshet Chayil
Yet, in the midst of my brokenness, I encountered a surprising truth that brought profound relief and freedom to my weary heart. Eshet Chayil, the Woman of Valour, is so much more than a checklist of impossible standards. In Jewish tradition, this phrase is a beautiful song of honour, celebrating the woman who embodies love, spirituality, and personal growth, setting a tone of life and strength for those around her. She is brave, bold, fearless, spirited, and gifted. To know her is to be enveloped in warmth, courage, and vitality.
This poem-prayer, rich with Jewish tradition, culture, and custom, is sung weekly by Jewish husbands at every Shabbat table, honouring their wives with heartfelt recognition of their actions, their unseen sacrifices, and their hearts. Doesn’t every woman long for this, to be truly seen, cherished, and celebrated for who she is and all she brings?
Proverbs 31:10-31 paints a vivid picture of a valiant warrior woman engaged in the battle of life. She is called to rule her household with strength and wisdom. From the description, she is anything but weak! Yet, I’ll admit, the Proverbs 31 woman overwhelms me. Before I’m tempted to diagnose her with obsessive-compulsive disorder, I can’t help but notice her boundless energy to provide, support, and actively engage in her family’s life.
Perhaps my sense of overwhelm is tied to my past church experiences, where Proverbs 31 was treated as a prescriptive checklist. For example, this ideal woman rises before dawn to ensure her family is well-fed. I, however, have never been a morning person. While my husband leaps out of bed with energy and enthusiasm to tackle the day, I require a slow start, anchored by my first cup of tea. It’s my sacred ritual, a chance for my blurry eyes and foggy brain to catch up with reality.
And then there’s this verse: “She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands, she plants a vineyard” (v.16). I can only imagine my accountant husband’s reaction if I announced I’d purchased a field! That would require first locating where he keeps our finances, meticulously spread across term deposits and investments. Numbers and I don’t get along, so I gladly leave the financial planning to him. My strengths lie elsewhere.
But here’s the beauty of Proverbs 31: this woman of valour isn’t defined by rigid roles or cookie-cutter expectations. Her essence lies in her commitment to “do him good and not harm all the days of her life” (v.12). Her story reminds me that my gifts, though different, are equally valuable in the partnership of marriage and the rhythm of life.
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The Primary Role of Homemaking
When Proverbs 31 was written, the Eshet Chayil woman’s role was deeply rooted in homemaking. Her daily tasks involved drawing water, grinding grain, spinning, weaving, sewing, laundering, preparing food, and caring for her children. Socially, she was a source of welcome and hospitality. Spiritually, she held profound influence, shaping her family’s faith. Her husband would honour her by reciting this poem weekly, celebrating her character and contributions.
In many parts of the developing world, these domestic roles remain central to a woman’s life. But instead of being celebrated for her character, a woman is often expected to fulfil these duties to preserve social harmony within the collective. In collectivist societies, personal identity is deeply tied to the welfare and goals of the group.
By contrast, individualistic societies, such as Anglo-Australia, prioritise autonomy, freedom, and self-fulfilment. Identity is shaped by personal goals and achievements. Both cultural frameworks reflect the values that shape how communities organise and prioritise life. Proverbs 31 was likely written from a collectivist viewpoint.
Honour and Identity
Honour is a cornerstone of collective societies, though it is most often conferred on the group rather than the individual. This cultural lens makes the Eshet Chayil, the woman of valour in Proverbs 31, especially compelling. As Tokarek LaFosse (2013) notes, “Honor represented the reputation of a person and the person’s family, especially as it was measured against and perceived by other families or individuals” (p. 33). Within the framework of Proverbs 31:10–31, Titus 2:2–6, and 1 Timothy 5:1–2, honour was not just an abstract virtue; it was a deeply relational and communal value. A person’s honour reflected upon their entire household, and women, in particular, played a vital role in preserving this familial and spiritual legacy. Even Jewish identity was traced through the maternal line, an indication of just how central women were in maintaining continuity and covenantal identity.
When Proverbs 31 was written, women’s lives were typically shorter, and their primary roles cantered around marriage and child-rearing, roles that were deeply respected and esteemed in the cultural context of the time (vv. 14–45). Today, in many parts of the world, women live longer and enjoy broader choices, including education, careers, and leadership in various spheres. I, too, have studied and worked outside the home, engaging in roles far beyond what was once considered possible for women. Still, regardless of cultural shifts or degrees of involvement in home or professional life, Scripture speaks not only to gender distinctions but also to influence, calling, and the embodiment of God’s truth in daily living.
A woman’s influence remains powerful in shaping how the world sees God. In 2003, Charles Swindoll wrote a book titled Home: Where Life Makes Up Its Mind. While the world has changed dramatically since then, the essence of God’s calling for women remains strikingly consistent across generations and cultures. It is a calling that transcends time:
- To embody the life and love of Jesus Christ.
- To nurture and empower younger women, especially daughters, to grow into the fullness of who they are created to be.
- To guard the sanctity and sacredness of the home.
These are not merely traditional roles, they are timeless vocations with eternal significance. Whether we are rooted in collective or individualistic societies, whether our days are spent in boardrooms or nurseries, this vision of womanhood calls us to live with courage, faith, and a deep sense of purpose.
Implementing a Vision
Rather than being a prescription for housework, the Proverbs 31 woman reflects a broader vision rooted in character. She is “clothed with strength and dignity” (v.25). She knows who she is in God, and her identity becomes the wellspring of her confidence and grace. Her purpose compels her to pour into the lives of others with courage and generosity.
The Eshet Chayil is anything but weak. Her strength and purpose redefine submission, not as subservience, but as invitation to relationship. She welcomes others into her life with a nurturing spirit. Her home becomes a place where each person can taste life and receive nourishment of the soul.
It is not her role but her character that God honours. A Christian woman’s highest calling is not confined to domesticity but to following Christ. In doing so, she embodies the Eshet Chayil, a Woman of Valour living out a legacy of influence, strength, and grace.
Woman Honoured
In the New Testament books of Timothy and Titus, the women who were honoured were those deeply committed to relationships, particularly older women known for their faithfulness and hospitality. Their lives reflected a strength of character and a relational richness that extended beyond mere actions, they were women who invested in the lives of others with steadfast love and care.
Hospitality and Spiritual Strength
In the New Testament, women were honoured for faithfulness and hospitality. In 1 Timothy 5:10, hospitality goes beyond having someone over. It is kindness to strangers, a generous, soul-nourishing welcome to the outsider. Henri Nouwen captures this beautifully: true hospitality is a space where people can be transformed, not by coercion, but by the invitation to belong. This is the spirit of the Proverbs 31 woman, a woman who nurtures life, creates space for transformation, and reflects the strength, dignity, and grace of the One she follows.
Slander
In 1 Timothy 3:11, we find a gentle yet sobering caution: slander is a danger that can quietly erode the very relationships a woman is called to protect and nurture. Whether it manifests through fault-finding, exaggeration, nagging, or gossip, slander subtly builds oneself up at the cost of others. It can slip into even well-meaning conversations, those casual grievance sessions among friends that, over time, can harden into patterns of negativity.
Psychologist John Gottman’s (cited in Gottman & Silver, 2015) well-known “magic ratio” underscores the weight of our words: for every negative interaction in a stable and loving marriage, there must be five positive ones to maintain emotional health and connection. Words matter. Their impact ripples far beyond the moment, shaping the emotional climate of our homes, marriages, friendships, and communities.
I’m reminded of a play my husband and I once attended at the Sydney Opera House titled Doubt, written by John Shanley (2004). In one particularly poignant scene, a woman confesses her struggle with gossip. The priest listening to her gently instructs her to cut open a feather pillow, shake out the feathers into the wind, and then try to gather them all back again. The message was striking: Once spoken, words cannot be taken back. Like scattered feathers, they drift far beyond our control.
Biblical womanhood, then, seems to carry a dual calling: one of hospitality and restraint. It is not only about offering warmth and welcome, but also about exercising careful stewardship over our words. Where slander once might have taken root, we are invited to speak life—to offer words of encouragement, love, and truth. In doing so, we create spaces of rest and nourishment, where those who enter encounter not just our presence but the presence of God through us.
Such speech becomes sacramental, a vessel for grace. And in a world so often bruised by careless words, this quiet discipline becomes a radical act of healing.
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My Story
I remember a time when careless words wounded more deeply than I could have imagined. I had just returned from an intense overseas teaching trip, emotionally depleted yet full of quiet joy for what God had done. But shortly after arriving home, a comment was made, just a few words, spoken in frustration. It was relayed to me through someone close, and though small on the surface, it struck with surprising force. The words questioned my motives, twisting my absence into selfishness.
I was blindsided.
The sorrow settled in like a heavy fog, not because I needed affirmation, but because those words came from someone I deeply loved. In that moment, I didn’t want to defend myself, I just wanted to disappear. It triggered old wounds, that ache of being misunderstood, the weight of trying so hard and still being seen through a distorted lens.
And yet, something in me knew that this was an invitation, not to retaliate or sink into shame, but to pause, breathe, and respond differently. I took time to pray, to sit in the ache with Jesus. In that stillness, I sensed His whisper: “You are not defined by what was said. You are defined by My love.”
Eventually, when the opportunity came, I chose not to confront with accusation but to name the hurt with honesty and kindness. I tried to speak words that would open a door rather than close it. I can’t say it transformed everything overnight, but it changed me. It broke the cycle of reactivity and created space for truth to grow, gently.
That experience deepened my conviction that slander, even subtle forms of it, is spiritual poison. And it reminded me of the power of a woman’s voice, not just to wound, but to heal. We are called to be guardians of grace in a world aching for it. When we speak with wisdom, when we restrain the impulse to lash out, when we affirm rather than tear down, we become living invitations to God’s presence.
The God Who Sees Women
God’s love for women is woven throughout Scripture, beginning with creation itself. “So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them… God saw all He had made, and it was very good” (Genesis 1:27, 31a). Both men and women bear God’s image, equally valued and cherished by Him. Yet, as Aimee Byrd (2020, p. 11) observes, “men and women are often assigned roles that align with conventional beliefs and hinder their ability to grow.”
Jesus’ life and ministry reveal God’s heart for women in a culture that often devalued and diminished them. He engaged deeply with women, discerning their hearts, addressing their spiritual needs, and entrusting them with meaningful roles in His mission. He spoke with the Samaritan woman at the well about theology, worship, and the longings of her soul (John 4). He exposed the hypocrisy of the men who condemned the woman caught in adultery while standing equally guilty themselves (John 8:1-11). He elevated Mary’s act of worship, anointing His feet with perfume and wiping them with her hair, as more precious than the outward rituals of the synagogues (John 12:1-8).
Women were central to Jesus’ life, ministry, and resurrection, playing pivotal roles that defied the cultural norms of their time. They stood faithfully at the cross, bearing witness to His suffering (Mark 15:40-47), and they were the first to arrive at the tomb, encountering the empty grave and hearing the angelic proclamation of His resurrection. In a profound and countercultural moment, Jesus appeared first to a woman after His resurrection, entrusting her with the sacred task of proclaiming the Good News to His disciples (Mark 16:1-8). In a society where religious men of status thanked God, they were not born women, Jesus elevated women to a place of honour and sacred trust.
As the early church grew, women continued to play significant roles. Lydia, in Philippi, helped plant a church in her home. Priscilla taught theology alongside her husband, Aquila. Phoebe served as a deacon. Philip’s daughters prophesied. Women laboured alongside men in the spread of the Gospel (Romans 16:1-16). Peter affirmed God’s impartiality in Acts 10:34, and Paul declared in Galatians 3:27-28 that in Christ, distinctions of gender, ethnicity, and status dissolve: “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.”
When Jesus walked the earth, women felt truly seen by Him. He discerned their hearts, loved them personally, and entrusted them with His message of hope. From Mary’s fragrant act of worship to the women who stood unwavering at the cross, from the empty tomb to the first proclamation of the resurrection, women were woven into the heart of God’s redemptive story. They became the first evangelists, the first heralds of the dawn of hope, a living testament to their sacred role in declaring His excellencies (1 Peter 2:9-10).
The Search for Truth
I wholeheartedly agree with Preston Sprinkle (2021, p. 69) when he observes that the Bible’s primary invitation to every Christian is not to emulate the behaviour of men or women, but to emulate the behaviour of Jesus Christ. This profound truth reminds me that our ultimate calling is Christlikeness, not conformity to cultural or theological stereotypes.
Yet, in our modern era, we often dissect Scripture, systemizing, categorizing, and attempting to simplify its complexities. For instance, one writer identified six alternative complementarian positions (Glahn, 2018). While such frameworks can offer clarity, they often leave little room for wrestling with Scripture’s inherent tensions, paradoxes, and difficult passages. And wrestling, I am learning, is essential to spiritual growth.
I find myself both affirming and rejecting aspects of complementarianism and egalitarianism. Scripture clearly affirms the gifts and callings of women, yet it also seems to uphold the principle of male headship. Historically, however, male headship has often been entangled with patriarchy, and not in ways that reflect the heart of God. I resonate deeply with McKinley (2022), who proposes a model of gender humility that disregards the pursuit of power, authority, and rights, focusing instead on fostering true collaboration between women and men. This perspective shifts the focus away from hierarchies and power dynamics, inviting a spirit of mutuality and grace.
In my search for truth in this area, I am reminded that the answers are not always clear. The fierce debate surrounding gender roles in the church and home reflects this ongoing ambiguity. As I continue to seek understanding, I am learning to trust Jesus and walk by faith, holding space for both viewpoints with humility and kindness. Can I make room for both complementarians and egalitarians? Can I hold my own convictions with open hands, enabling others to do the same?
A Heart Fully His: Discovering Worth and Calling Beyond Cultural Narratives
To help clarify my thoughts, I’ve created a table outlining the basic tenets of complementarianism, egalitarianism, and a hybrid view that I am prayerfully exploring (see Table 1. A Hybrid Version of Complementarianism and Egalitarianism). This hybrid perspective is not definitive, far from it. God is still teaching me what “submission” truly means and how it is lived out in the context of gender, relationships, and community. My prayer is that I approach this journey with an open heart, seeking His truth above all else.
| WOMEN | COMPLIMENTARIAN | EGALITARIAN | HYBRID |
| Worth | Believes men and women possess equal dignity and worth. Believes in wife’s submission based on Ephesians 5:22 and 1 Peter 3:1-2 | Believes men and women possess equal dignity and worth. Believes in mutual submission based on Ephesians 5:21 and 1 Peter 5:5. | Believes men and women possess equal dignity and worth. Believes in mutual submission based on Ephesians 5:21 and 1 Peter 5:5. |
| Creation | Believes gender differences were present in creation. Believes the New Testament reinforces those distinctions. | Believes gender differences were present in creation. Believes Jesus removed the distinctions. | Believes gender differences were present in creation. Believes Jesus removed the distinctions but maintains a principle of male initiation and headship illustrated through Christ’s love for the Church. |
| Home | Believes men and women possess distinct roles in the home based on Ephesians 5:21-33. | Believes men’s and women’s roles are interdependent based on Galatians 3:28. | Believes gender differences were present in creation.Believes Jesus removed the distinctions, but there remains a principle of male initiation and headship within the home. |
| Church | Believes men and women possess distinct roles in church based on 1 Timothy 2:8-3:7. | Believes men’s and women’s roles are interdependent based on Galatians 3:28. | Believes gender differences were present in creation.Believes Jesus removed the distinctions, but there remains a principle of male initiation and headship within the church. |
The Sacred Gift of Being Seen
What happens when a wife has stronger leadership or initiation gifts than her husband? Does this challenge the idea of headship? I believe it doesn’t. If a husband’s role as a servant leader is rooted in sacrificial love, care, and humility, then leadership is never about dominance or superiority, it is about empowering his wife to thrive in her God-given gifts. True headship reflects Christ’s love for the Church: selfless, nurturing, and unthreatened by the strengths of others. A husband who honours his wife’s leadership while offering sacrificial service beautifully exemplifies the essence of biblical headship.
My hybrid position is beautifully captured by McKinley (2022), who asserts that the genders are neither identical nor interchangeable, and that the shared strengths, gifts, experiences, and perspectives that arise from these differences foster unity when individuals embrace Jesus’s humility. This perspective resonates deeply with me, affirming the unique design of men and women while celebrating the richness that comes from mutual submission and collaboration.
As a woman, it has taken me a lifetime to embrace both my head and my heart in understanding my incredible worth to Jesus. I have wrestled with cultural narratives, theological debates, and personal insecurities. Yet through it all, I have come to know His unshakable love and the calling He has placed on my life. He has entrusted me with the sacred joy, and heartache, of being a healing presence in the world, a calling that requires both courage and humility.
As I write this, my heart overflows with love and gratitude for the One who lifted me from brokenness and despair and replaced it with a persistent hope. He has shown me that my worth is not defined by roles or titles but by His love and His calling. My heart is, and will always be, fully His.
Beyond Sides: Following the One Who Is Truth
This isn’t about choosing sides; it’s about choosing Christ. For me, the search for truth is not a rigid quest for perfect theological alignment, but a surrender to the One who is Truth. It is a journey marked by reverence for Scripture, sensitivity to the Spirit, and a commitment to love well, even when we see through a glass dimly.
Over time, I’ve come to see that the way we engage in these conversations often reveals more about our posture than our position. Are we defensive or curious? Combative or compassionate? Are we building bridges or digging trenches? In the end, our theology must lead to love, not merely love in theory, but love that is patient, kind, and humble enough to listen.
One of the most transformative moments for me came not through an academic paper or theological debate, but in a quiet conversation with a student who asked, “Is there a place for someone like me in God’s story?” She had been silenced in church spaces, told her gifts were out of place, that her voice was a threat.
And yet, as we sat together and traced the arc of Scripture, from Eve to Esther, from Deborah to Mary, from Junia to Phoebe, something lit up in her eyes. She began to see what I had come to believe deeply: that God doesn’t erase our femaleness, He dignifies it. He doesn’t diminish our voices; He calls us to speak.
And not just in pulpits or platforms, but in kitchens and classrooms, in boardrooms and birthing rooms, in prayer groups and policy meetings. Wherever His Spirit dwells, there is freedom (2 Cor. 3:17). And where there is freedom, there is calling.
I don’t have all the answers about how gender roles should be lived out in every culture or congregation. But I do know this: when Jesus walked the earth, women flourished in His presence. They weren’t silenced, sidelined, or scorned. They were seen, loved, and commissioned. And that, for me, remains the plumb line.
May we be a people who follow His lead. May we honour one another not by enforcing sameness, but by celebrating difference with dignity. May we open the Scriptures not just to win arguments, but to let the Word read us, convicting, comforting, and transforming us. And may our lives, both male and female, bear witness to the God who sees, the God who calls, and the God who is making all things new.
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Closing Thoughts
The Eshet Chayil, the woman of strength, is a figure marked by wisdom, courage, and profound faith. Her worth is not rooted in the perfection of her actions but in the integrity of her character and the fruit of her trust in God. She is a woman who fears the Lord, and it is this reverence that shapes her decisions, her relationships, and the influence she carries. Her valour is not confined to domesticity or limited by societal expectations; it extends into business, leadership, generosity, and her care for both her household and community.
Proverbs 31 is not a checklist to be completed but a celebration of a woman living her calling with strength and purpose. It reminds us that God values character over performance and faithfulness over perfection. This perspective liberates women from the weight of striving to meet impossible standards and invites them to live boldly, authentically embracing the unique call God has placed on their lives.
Perhaps Proverbs 31 was never meant to weigh us down but to lift us up, to call us into our God-given strength with confidence and joy. It’s not about fitting into a mould but walking in step with the Spirit, allowing His grace to shape us into women of wisdom, strength, and unwavering faith.
Ultimately, the search for truth is not about perfect theological articulation, but about cultivating a deep, abiding relationship with the One who is Truth. It’s not a competition of arguments but a practice of love, a love that listens, honours, and calls forth the dignity God has woven into each of His image-bearers.
As we wrestle with Scripture, culture, and our own longings, may we do so with open hands and surrendered hearts. May we resist the pull toward division and suspicion and instead lean into the patient, courageous work of building bridges. Let us be people who see beyond labels and categories to the deeper invitation of Christ: to be transformed into His likeness, to embody His humility, and to reflect His liberating love in every sphere we touch.
We will not always get it right. We will see in part, prophesy in part, and sometimes stumble in the dark. But we are not alone. The same Spirit who hovered over the waters, who breathed life into dust, and who raised Christ from the dead is still at work, in us, among us, and through us.
So, we press on, not because we have arrived, but because we are being led. Led by the One who sees, who calls, and who is making all things new. Come, Lord Jesus. Teach us to love as You love. And let it be enough.
Even as I marvel at the beauty of God’s design for women, I am equally captivated by the intricate layers of His design for men. Just as women have borne the wounds of silence and dismissal, men too carry burdens, the weight of expectation, the fear of failure, and the ache of unspoken battles.
To fully understand God’s heart for His creation, we must honour not only the stories of women but also the complexity and calling of men. Just as women were never meant to be diminished, men were never meant to be distorted into harshness or domination. Both were created to reflect the image of God, uniquely and together.
With the same humility and wonder, I next turn to explore another aspect of His intricate masterpiece: Layers of His Design: The Complexity of Men.
Declarations for Women
I declare that I am Eshet Chayil, a woman of valour, clothed with dignity and strength.
I declare to nurture young women to blossom into all they are meant to be.
I declare to guard the sanctity of the home.
I declare that You, Lord, are not impressed with externalism and legalism that burden and weigh down. Both generate guilt, frustration, and dissatisfaction.
I declare that I will no longer be brought low by prescriptive religion but set my heart to learn from you so that my character is foremost.
I declare I will respond to your gracious invitation to experience the relief, joy and blessings that come from a rich relationship of being yoked with you, Lord, so that I can live freely and lightly.
Prayer
Lord, I’m tired. Worn out. Burned out on religion that places heavy burdens on me by demanding a cookbook approach to womanhood that is based on externals.
I come to you to get away and recover my life. Show me how to take a real rest. Take my hand and show me how to walk with You and work with You. As I watch how You do it, I want to learn the unforced rhythms of grace.
Thank You that You won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on me. Show me how to keep company with You and learn to live freely and lightly. (Adapted from Matthew 11:28-30 MSG)
Reflection Questions
- How have cultural expectations shaped my understanding of gender roles?
- How can I cultivate strength and wisdom like the Eshet Chayil in my life?
- What does true submission look like in my relationships?
- What unique qualities in me reflect God’s image, and how can I use them to bless others?
- How can I honour both men and women as unique image-bearers of God?
- What unspoken burdens or wounds might I need to address in myself or others?
