“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” — Anais Nin
“For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands,like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.” — 1 Peter 3:5-6
“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” — Ephesians 5:21-25
The Strength in Surrender
In the delicate balance between strength and surrender, a woman’s role in the grand narrative of faith and relationships is often misunderstood or minimized. Yet, it is here, in the intersection of personal power and quiet submission, that the truest expressions of womanhood are revealed. This article invites readers into a deeper understanding of how strength and surrender are not opposites but essential partners in a woman’s journey of growth, healing, and divine purpose.
Drawing from scripture, lived experience, and the voices of many women who have journeyed through pain and restoration, this article explores the beauty of strength exercised through vulnerability, the courage it takes to surrender, and the transformative power found in both. It challenges the cultural narratives that have often reduced women’s roles to mere support or subservience, and instead calls for a fuller, richer vision of what it means to walk with God as a woman of valour, empowered yet yielding, strong yet soft, leading with grace and humility.
As we reimagine what it means to be women of strength and surrender, we are invited into a dance, a rhythm of life that holds both power and peace, and that beckons us toward the sacred beauty of the story we are each uniquely called to tell.
Thwarted Expectations
During one of my trips to East Africa, I was invited to attend a Bugandan wedding, a vibrant celebration rich with cultural traditions. During the ceremony, there was a moment when the bride knelt at her husband’s feet, symbolizing her submission to him. This act, eagerly anticipated and celebrated by the guests, is seen as proof of the bride’s humility and understanding of her “place” within the home.
Later, at the reception, after the couple cut the cake, an elaborate throne is brought out for the groom. Just when it seems another chair might follow for the bride, he separates himself from her, sits down on the throne, and settles in comfortably. The bride then kneels on the ground at his feet, and she is handed a plate of cake. She picks a piece of it and lifts it to her husband’s mouth, prompting the crowd to erupt in wild applause.
As if that wasn’t enough, a modern addition has been made to this tradition: the groom is expected to lift his wife onto his lap and feed her like a child. This act is meant to reassure the bride’s parents that, while he is her superior, he will also care for her tenderly.
I remember feeling a mix of curiosity and horror, knowing strong, capable Buganda women who didn’t fit this image at all. It made me reflect on my own wedding and the days that followed. When I married, I stepped into what I thought was the role of the submissive wife, believing it was my duty to maintain peace by compromising my own needs for my husband’s. To me, this meant surrendering control and giving up myself entirely. I believed submission meant suppressing my own thoughts, needs, and desires in favour of my husband’s.
These beliefs were shaped by a combination of societal expectations, religious teachings, and family influences. I poured everything I had into being the best wife I could be, but at the cost of my emotional well-being. I became emotionally withdrawn, neglected, and unheard, retreating further as my needs went unmet. Insecurity and a deep sense of being unvalued set in. Emotional disengagement became my way of protecting myself from the pain and disappointment I felt were inevitable. Communication dwindled, confrontation was avoided, and intimacy became a distant memory. Is this really what submission is meant to look like?
Two Contrasting Views
The complementarian and egalitarian views present contrasting interpretations of women’s roles in God’s story, particularly in the church and home. Complementarians argue that men and women are equal in value but distinct in their roles, with men serving as the primary leaders and women supporting that leadership in a way that reflects the biblical order established in creation. For complementarians, this structure is not a limitation but a fulfillment of God’s design.
In contrast, egalitarians contend that men and women are equal not only in value but also in their roles and responsibilities, advocating for shared leadership and partnership in all areas of life, including ministry. They argue that Scripture affirms mutual submission and the freedom for both genders to fully participate in all aspects of God’s work.
While complementarians view gender distinctions as intrinsic to God’s creative intent, egalitarians see them as culturally contextual and flexible, emphasizing the need for unity and equality in Christ. The debate between these perspectives ultimately hinges on differing interpretations of Scripture, creation, and the roles men and women are called to play in God’s redemptive story. This chapter explores the complementarian perspective, while the egalitarian perspective will be explored in the next article.
A Complementarian Perspective
The complementarian perspective on the role of women in God’s story emphasizes the distinct yet complementary roles that men and women are called to fulfill within God’s design. According to this view, men and women are equally valuable but have been given different, divinely appointed roles, particularly in the home and the church. This perspective asserts that biblical texts outline a structure where male leadership and female support are central to God’s created order, reflecting the relationship between Christ and the Church.
In this chapter, we will examine how the complementarian view interprets key Scripture passages, exploring how this understanding of gender roles shapes relationships, ministry, and the mission of God. For many adherents, this approach is seen not as a restriction, but as a calling that brings order, clarity, and flourishing within God’s design.
A quick search for writings on biblical womanhood from a complementarian perspective reveals an abundance of Christian books on the topic, many echoing familiar themes. To assess the strength of these arguments, I selected four well-known proponents of complementarianism for a closer look: Rebekah Merkle, Debi Pearl, Martha Peace, and John Piper.
Photo by Simon Hurry on Unsplash
Rebekah Merkle
Rebekah Merkle’s (2016) book Eve in Exile and the Restoration of Femininity presents a provocative critique of modern feminism, framed around the idea that true womanhood is found in domesticity. The book is marketed with the tagline:
“The swooning Victorian ladies and the 1950s housewives genuinely needed to be liberated. That much is indisputable. So, First-Wave feminists held rallies for women’s suffrage. Second-Wave feminists marched for Prohibition, jobs, and abortion. Today, Third-Wave feminists stand firmly for nobody’s quite sure what. But modern women, who use psychotherapeutic antidepressants at a rate never before seen in history, need liberating now more than ever. The truth is feminists don’t know what liberation is. They have led us into a very boring dead end.”
In her critique of modern womanhood, Merkle argues that the only true fulfillment for women lies in embracing the role of homemaker. This view, however, has sparked significant controversy. One review described the book’s message as harsh, even condemning, especially for women whose lives do not fit neatly into this idealized domestic mould. The reviewer expressed frustration, writing:
“My husband bought this for me for my birthday, because God’s design for the roles of men and women is something I care greatly about, and he thought I might enjoy this perspective. Unfortunately, I did not. Instead of the hopeful perspective I thought I would find after watching the documentary trailer, what I found was that there was no place or grace for the life God has given me; only criticisms, condemnations and implications of selfishness, laziness, or both.”
My takeaways from the author’s message are these: any work that a woman does that is not centred around the home is ungodly and sinful, especially if that work is in a corporate setting. Corporate work for women essentially equates to complicit feminism. The only godly life a Christian woman can have is one that is primarily centred in and around her home, and this applies whether a woman is married or single, fertile or infertile.
Merkle’s framework, like that of many other evangelical complementarian authors, narrowly defines womanhood within the confines of domesticity, presenting a one-size-fits-all model of how women should live out their roles. For some, this perspective is deeply convicting, but for others, it feels limiting and dismissive of the broader realities many women face in their callings and contexts.
Debi Pearl
Secondly, consider Debi Pearl’s book Created to Be His Help Meet (2014), marketed with the tagline: “Gain a better understanding of who your husband is and how your response to him can make or break your marriage.” The book has received a wide range of responses. A positive review, representative of many favourable reactions, reads:
“Personally, this book has boosted my marriage to another level. It has directed me back to the Scriptures and brought a deeper sense of purpose, peace, and empowerment as a female. Most of all, this book has catapulted my husband to a greater level of joy. A few weeks ago, he said, ‘The way you treat me makes me want to become a better man. I want to show you more and more my love for you.’ Thanks, Debi, for wising me up!”
However, the book has also drawn sharp criticism. Rachel Held Evans (2011), echoing many others, writes:
“Citing New Testament passages that instruct wives to submit to their husbands, Pearl advocates a system in which godly wives live as complete subordinates to their husbands, with no ‘equal rights.’ At one point, Pearl encourages a young mother whose husband routinely beat her and threatened to kill her with a kitchen knife to stop ‘blabbing about his sins’ and win him back by showing him more respect. Sudden aggressive outbursts are part of what it means to be a man, according to Pearl. ‘The wisest way to handle the aggressive husband is by not taking personal offense,’ she advises. ‘Avoid provoking him.’”
Pearl’s writing made me deeply uncomfortable. For instance, she claims:
“God didn’t create Adam and Eve at the same time and then tell them to work out some compromise on how they would each achieve their personal goals in a cooperative endeavor. God gave [Eve] to Adam to be his helper, not his partner.”
Pearl insists that God established a “chain of command” placing women under the direct authority of their husbands. She writes, “You are not on the board of directors with an equal vote. You have no authority to set the agenda… Start thinking and acting as though your husband is the head of the company, and you are his secretary.” Within this rigid framework, divorce is viewed not only as a moral failure but as a failure of faith itself. In chapter 7, she asserts:
“Divorce followed by the most wonderful second marriage is still a failure and will be throughout eternity. When you chunk a bad marriage, you chunk your lifelong opportunity for God to have manifested his power and glory. A failing marriage is a challenge to God… Divorce is not just your failure; it becomes the failure of God to triumph in those circumstances.”
Pearl also diminishes the roles of biblical women who clearly exercised leadership. She argues that Deborah, the only female judge in Israel, brought shame upon the nation by assuming leadership. Likewise, she suggests that Priscilla, frequently mentioned first alongside her husband Aquila, was merely a silent support, downplaying her theological contributions.
Though perhaps well-intentioned, I believe Debi Pearl and her husband Michael misuse Scripture in troubling and even dangerous ways. Consider Michael Pearl’s article Abusive Husband (1999), in which he advises:
“But if your husband has sexually molested the children, you should approach him with it. If he is truly repentant (not just exposed) and is willing to seek counseling, you may feel comfortable giving him an opportunity to prove himself, as long as you know the children are safe… Stick by him but testify against him in court. Have him do about 10 to 20 years, and by the time he gets out, you will have raised the kids, and you can be waiting for him with open arms of forgiveness and restitution… God hates divorce, always, forever, regardless, without exception.”
Statements like these are not just deeply disturbing, they can endanger women and children by spiritualising the minimisation of abuse. Pearl’s responses to women’s letters throughout the book often strike me as legalistic, judgmental, and devoid of compassion. The entire weight of a marriage’s success or failure, in her view, rests on the wife’s shoulders. This not only reinforces patriarchal control but disregards the fuller counsel of Scripture, which speaks to mutual love, respect, and the value of each person as an image-bearer of God.
Photo by Melanie Rosillo Galvan on Unsplash
Martha Peace
Martha Peace’s The Excellent Wife: A Biblical Perspective (2012) advertises:
“Here is a scripturally based blueprint for the woman who truly desires to be the wife God intended her to be. This book is based on Proverbs 31:10: An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels.”
Peace’s advice, rooted in a form of counselling called nouthetic counselling, includes some helpful insights, but the most troubling part is her graphic illustrating the relationship between a man, a woman, and God. The graphic places God at the top, with His image resting on both man and woman. According to this, a man can glorify God on his own, but a woman cannot glorify God unless she is fulfilling her role to glorify her husband.
John Piper
Fourthly, John Piper, pastor, author, and Bible scholar, enters the complementarianism debate as one of its most ardent and articulate proponents. In his book What’s the Difference? Manhood and Womanhood Defined According to the Bible (2008), Piper defines biblical headship for husbands as “the divine calling to take primary responsibility for Christlike, servant-leadership, protection and provision in the home” (p. 66). He is clear that biblical headship is not about domination or control, but about sacrificial love and care that reflects the leadership of Christ.
Likewise, he describes biblical submission for wives as “the divine calling to honor and affirm her husband’s leadership and help carry it through according to her gifts” (p. 66). For Piper, this complementarian framework is not only grounded in Scripture but also deeply fulfilling, offering what he describes as “a portrayal of the vision that satisfies the head as well as the heart” (p. 16). He goes so far as to call it “a deeply satisfying gift of grace from a loving God.”
Piper traces the roots of gender roles back to the Garden of Eden. In his interpretation, Adam failed to exercise godly leadership when he remained passive in the face of the serpent’s deception. Piper argues that this failure to protect set a damaging precedent that reverberates to this day. However, he points to Jesus as the redeemer of Adam’s failure, calling men to embrace their responsibility to lead, protect, and honour women in a way that reflects Christ’s love for the church.
Yet Piper’s position has not been without controversy. Critics have pointed out that his conclusions at times seem shaped more by cultural assumptions than by a comprehensive reading of Scripture. For instance, some have questioned his suggestion that a wife should not drive if her husband is present, seeing it as an example of traditional gender roles being elevated to biblical principle. Others have raised concerns that Piper’s definitions of masculinity and femininity assume a fixed and narrow understanding of gender differences, without offering sufficient biblical support. To these critics, What’s the Difference? reads more like a defence of an inherited worldview than an open engagement with the breadth of Scripture.
Supporters, however, admire Piper’s precision and clarity. They note that his words are carefully chosen, his tone is gracious, and his theological reflections are deeply rooted in his love for the Bible. For many, his vision of complementarity affirms the beauty of distinct roles and provides a clear framework for relationships that reflects the order of creation and the love of Christ.
The debate intensified in 2018 when Piper, responding to a question about the #MeToo movement and the so-called “egalitarian myth,” stated:
“Complementarians… believe that while competencies may shape the details of how our differing roles and responsibilities are worked out, nevertheless God has built into males and females profound and wonderful, even mysterious, differences that carry different burdens and different responsibilities… It’s a firm conviction of most of our egalitarian culture that men as men do not owe women a special kind of care and protection and honor that women do not owe men. I believe they do.”
This statement drew both support and sharp critique. Rachel Held Evans (2018), a well-known Christian author and egalitarian, responded in a blog post titled Patriarchy Doesn’t Protect Women: A Response to John Piper. She challenged the notion that complementarian frameworks inherently protect women, particularly in light of the many documented cases of abuse within churches that uphold these structures.
My Response to Complementarianism
My response to complementarian writers is mixed. I deeply desire to remain faithful to Scripture, yet I often find their interpretations of what it means to be a “biblical woman” unsettling. Many evangelical complementarian voices offer what feels like a “cookbook” approach to womanhood, step-by-step instructions that come across more as rigid formulas than Spirit-led invitations to live in the fullness of Christ.
It brings to mind the Pharisees, who constructed elaborate systems of rules based on Scripture, often imposing human logic onto the text without attending to its broader theological, cultural, and relational context. Take, for example, Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 11:6: “For if a woman does not cover her head, let her also have her hair cut off; but if it is disgraceful for a woman to have her hair cut off or her head shaved, let her cover her head.” Why is this verse not uniformly applied in churches today? I rarely see congregations requiring women to cover their heads. This kind of selective literalism raises serious questions about how Scripture is interpreted, and whose voices are deemed authoritative in shaping those interpretations.
The Pharisees famously developed 613 commandments, 365 prohibitions and 248 affirmations, in an attempt to secure faithfulness to God. Yet in doing so, they often missed the heart of the law: mercy, justice, and faithfulness. Similarly, some contemporary complementarian teachings seem to emphasize a kind of legalistic obedience, not just to Scripture itself, but to a particular cultural lens through which it is read and enforced. When suffering or relational hardship is attributed to a woman’s failure to submit or conform, it places a crushing burden on her soul.
What draws me to Jesus is how radically different His way is. He invites us into something deeper and more life-giving, a way of being that moves beyond external conformity and into the territory of inner transformation. He didn’t burden people with more rules; He freed them with love, healed them with compassion, and restored their dignity.
The image of an egg breaking captures this contrast. When an egg is broken by an outside force, life ends. But when it breaks open from within, life begins. This, to me, reflects the difference between a rigid, external system like complementarianism and the grace-filled, inside-out transformation of life in Christ.
Jesus never called women to blind obedience or performative piety. He called them to be His disciples, to sit at His feet, to rise in dignity, to proclaim the good news, to follow Him with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength. He invites us to surrender our whole selves, not just our roles, to Him, and to let His Spirit shape us into who we truly are in Him.
In this journey of healing and faith, especially for those of us who have known the soul-wounding effects of spiritual or relational control, the call is not to conform but to be transformed. This is not rebellion; it is redemption. It is the breaking open of the heart from within, where life begins anew in the presence of a Savior who restores, dignifies, and sets us free.
As a trauma counsellor, I’ve walked alongside women whose souls have been deeply wounded, not only by personal abuse or abandonment, but also by teachings that reinforced silence, submission, and shame in the name of biblical faithfulness. Many carried unspoken grief, wondering if their pain was evidence of spiritual failure.
But what I witnessed in those sacred spaces of healing was something powerful: when these women encountered the compassionate presence of Christ, who weeps with the broken and lifts up the lowly, they began to reclaim their voices and rediscover their worth. Their healing did not come through stricter adherence to roles, but through deepening intimacy with the One who calls them beloved. It’s in this Spirit-led journey, not in rigid gender scripts, that true restoration takes place.
Closing Thoughts
So, who is right? The debate between complementarianism and egalitarianism remains deeply polarising. Yet perhaps the more pressing question, especially for those bearing soul wounds from relationships, churches, or teachings, is not simply which side is biblically correct, but what kind of vision of manhood and womanhood brings life, healing, and dignity? Can a theology that prescribes fixed roles truly reflect the heart of Christ, the One who consistently elevated the lowly, dignified the broken, and invited all to participate fully in His kingdom?
For trauma survivors especially, this is not just a theological debate, it’s a deeply personal one. The way we interpret Scripture can either reinforce shame and silence or open the door to healing and wholeness.
The following article explores perspectives on egalitarianism, particularly through the lens of various authors and theologians. These discussions examine how gender roles, leadership, and partnership in the church and society can be reimagined in light of mutuality, dignity, and the transforming presence of Christ.
Declarations
I declare that I am made in the image of God, fully loved, fully seen, and fully called, regardless of my gender.
I declare that I reject shame-based interpretations of Scripture and embrace the freedom Christ offers to walk in truth and dignity.
I declare that I will no longer be confined by human traditions that diminish my worth or silence my voice.
I declare that I am being transformed from the inside out by the Spirit of God, not conformed to rigid roles or cultural expectations.
I declare that I step into my God-given identity with courage and grace, trusting that Christ empowers both women and men to reflect His love and lead with humility.
Prayer
Jesus, gentle and strong, You see the wounds I carry, the ones inflicted by words, roles, and systems that claimed to speak for You. Heal what has been broken. Restore what shame has silenced. Help me hear Your voice above all others, the voice that calls me beloved, chosen, and free. Lead me into truth that brings life and give me courage to live out who I am in You, without fear. Amen.
Reflection Questions
- What messages about manhood and womanhood have I internalized from my culture, church, or personal experiences?
- When have I felt burdened by a “formulaic” approach to faith, where obedience was emphasised over personal transformation?
- How can I better discern the voice of Christ in my life, especially when it comes to understanding my identity as a man or woman of God?
- How does my understanding of gender roles in Scripture impact my relationships with others, particularly those who have been traumatised, hurt or marginalised?
About the Author
Dr. Paula Davis, a clinical counsellor, supervisor and educator with three advanced degrees, specialises in trauma counselling, and before she retired, was a senior lecturer in counselling, designing and delivering curricula. Her book, “Eating Water, Drinking Soup: Finding Nourishment in the Deepest Pain” is available on request. With her husband, she delivers marriage programs internationally. In 2021, they published “A Safe Place: A Marriage Enrichment Resource Manual” available on online bookstores. While she derives fulfilment from making a positive impact, she also appreciates the simple pleasures of life, such as spending time with her husband over coffee or engaging in outdoor adventures. Never one to be deterred by challenges, she has undertaken skydiving, cage-diving with great white sharks in South Africa, walking with African lions, and zip-lining across the Victoria Falls gorge.
