Through Her Eyes: A New Vision of Womanhood

“Christians today are repeating the same mistake of Christians in the past, modeling our treatment of women after the world around us instead of the world Jesus shows us is possible.” — The Making of Biblical Womanhood

“However, woman isn’t independent from man, and man isn’t independent from woman in the Lord. As woman came from man so also man comes from woman. But everything comes from God.”  — 1 Corinthians 11:11-12

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me, watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”  — Matthew 11:28-30

The Total Woman

In 1973, Marabel Morgan published The Total Woman: How to Make Your Marriage Come Alive, a book that quickly captured attention. It sold over half a million copies in its first year and became the top-selling non-fiction book in the U.S. in 1974.

Morgan’s message was bold and polarising: “It is only when a woman surrenders her life to her husband, reveres and worships him, and is willing to serve him, that she becomes really beautiful to him. She becomes a priceless jewel, the glory of femininity, his queen!”

According to Morgan, fulfillment for a woman was found in complete devotion to her husband. She offered a tidy formula, the Four A’s: Accept him, Admire him, Adapt to him, Appreciate him. Her book painted a very specific vision of Biblical womanhood, one anchored solely in marriage, “submission” and service.

When I first encountered The Total Woman, my husband, our toddler, and I were living in a tiny two-room apartment at a Bible college in Missouri. Privacy was almost non-existent in our close-knit community. So, when Morgan advised wives to “greet him at the door in lingerie,” I couldn’t help but laugh. Some women reportedly wrapped themselves in plastic cling wrap to surprise their husbands. I imagined our male neighbour popping over to borrow sugar, only to find me in cling wrap. The horror! I chuckled to myself and swiftly ruled that out.

A Prescriptive Path

Morgan’s book felt more like a rigid to-do list than a roadmap to flourishing. It held out a vision of unshakable happiness, promising sunny days, starlit nights, and “strawberries for breakfast and loving all the time.”

I was far from home, uncertain of who I was, and eager for guidance. Her certainty was comforting, at first. I tried to follow her instructions, minus the cling wrap. But Morgan’s version of womanhood demanded I suppress my voice, needs, and desires. I was to have sex whenever and however my husband wanted. If I felt unhappy, the fault was mine. Morgan’s voice echoed the message I had grown up with, that my identity was rooted solely in being a wife, mother, and homemaker.

But life, mercifully, intervened. My husband, juggling studies and work, was usually too tired for much else. It was a quiet reprieve from the impossible expectations Morgan had laid out, and a slow beginning to questioning the narrow box I’d stepped into.

Women Diminished

In patriarchal cultures, women are often diminished. In rural Uganda, India, and Sri Lanka, as in Jesus’ time, women are largely relegated to lowly tasks while men hold the positions of power. In Uganda’s collective shame culture, silence and conformity are often prized. As C. S. Lewis (n.d.) noted, “Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive.”

Yet, women are not the problem. In fact, I believe they are the solution.

During one of our trauma recovery workshops in Kampala, I invite participants to share their wounds honestly. While two men confidently assert that they have none, it is the women who rise, who weep, and who dare to break under the weight of long-buried pain. They are the ones who encounter God’s healing, and the ones who then proclaim it boldly.

One woman, eyes brimming with hope, shares her longing for her husband’s spiritual leadership. She doesn’t seek to usurp his role; she yearns for him to step into it with humility. But her husband, a respected pastor, is more concerned with image than authenticity. His public persona masks a hollow core. She weeps for herself, their children, and their church. Her culture props up his false self while ignoring her heart.

Is our culture so different? Perhaps not. As Joseph Conrad (1987) put it, “Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade since it consists principally of dealings with men.”

Texts of Terror

To read Scripture honestly is to wrestle with the violence it records against women. The Old Testament recounts stories of rape, mutilation, betrayal, and abandonment. Hagar (Genesis 16), Tamar (2 Samuel 13), Jephthah’s daughter (Judges 11), each story is harrowing.

Some laws are equally disturbing. In Deuteronomy 22:22-23, a raped married woman and her attacker could both be executed, under the assumption that her silence meant consent. Only in the countryside, where cries for help might go unheard, was she considered innocent. These are not relics of the past. Such injustices persist today, cloaked in religious or cultural language.

Exodus 21:7 reveals another painful truth: “If a man sells his daughter as a female slave, she is not to go free as the male slaves do.”

In Texts of Terror, Phyllis Trible (2002) explores these biblical accounts of violated and silenced women. Her analysis uncovers both the horror and the resilience within these narratives. Listening to these stories honours each woman as a precious child of God. Their voices, too long suppressed, can teach, warn, and guide.

As Rachel Held Evans (2018) writes, “Patriarchy is not God’s dream for the world; it is a product of sin. And when we sanctify it in the name of Christianity, we fail to reflect the radical, self-sacrificial love of Jesus.” She continues:

“Most [women] do not want to return to a time when fathers owned their daughters… when foreign virgins were taken as spoils of war… when a woman’s lack of virginity could get her executed… when stories of brave women like Tamar, Dinah, Esther, Vashti, Leah, and Rachel arose from contexts of oppression.”

In our trauma recovery workshop, a young woman listens as I share these reflections. Her sad, brown eyes mirror the ache of generations, but also the fierce, quiet hope that a new way is possible.

Photo by Rene Terp: https://www.pexels.com/photo/woman-looking-to-her-left-2515420/

Two Views, Two Interpretations

After nearly five decades of marriage, I still find myself wondering: what does it truly mean to be a Biblical woman? This isn’t a question with an easy answer. Many authors and teachers have weighed in over the years, offering various interpretations, but the conversation often lands in one of two camps: complementarianism and egalitarianism. These terms don’t appear in Scripture, but they represent deeply held theological convictions that continue to stir lively, and often polarised, debate within the church.

Complementarianism and Egalitarianism: Origins and Beliefs

The term complementarian was coined in 1988, following the publication of the Danvers Statement. This document was crafted by a group of evangelical leaders, including John Piper, Wayne Grudem, and Susan Foh, who gathered in Atlanta, Georgia, to respond to what they perceived as the growing influence of feminism within evangelicalism (Burk, 2019). Their goal was to affirm what they believed to be the biblical pattern of gender roles. 

Complementarianism, as a theological position, holds that while men and women are equal in worth and dignity, God has assigned them distinct, complementary roles in the home and church (Grudem, 2009).

Egalitarianism, by contrast, emphasises equality of roles, rights, and responsibilities. The term has its roots in political philosophy, tracing back to Enlightenment thinkers such as John Locke, and is defined by the Merriam-Webster Dictionary (n.d.) as “a belief in human equality especially with respect to social, political, and economic affairs.” Within Christian theology, egalitarianism teaches that Jesus dismantled gender-based restrictions through His redemptive work, empowering both men and women to serve equally in the home, church, and society. Galatians 3:28, a verse Martin Luther King Jr. once used to oppose racial segregation, is now also frequently cited in support of egalitarian convictions (Buell & Hodge, 2004).

Both views affirm the equal worth of men and women, but they diverge on how this equality plays out in roles. Egalitarians believe mutual submission characterises a healthy marriage, and that leadership in the church should be determined by spiritual gifting rather than gender (Vorster, 2019). Complementarians, on the other hand, hold that male headship is a biblical design, rooted in Scripture’s teaching that the husband is to love his wife as Christ loves the church, while the wife is to submit to her husband as the church submits to Christ.

Both views claim scriptural backing and both offer sincere, thought-provoking arguments. So how do we discern which one best reflects God’s heart?

His Ezer: A Deeper Look at Genesis

Perhaps the best place to begin is at the beginning. In Genesis 2, we’re told that although Adam was created first, he was alone. “It is not good for the man to be alone,” God said. “I will make a helper suitable for him” (Genesis 2:18). As Adam named the animals, none was found to be a fitting companion, a process that likely stirred in him a deep awareness of his own incompleteness.

Then came the first woman. She is described as an ezer kenegdo, a phrase translated in many versions as “a helper suitable for him.” The Hebrew words ezer and kenegdo are rich in meaning and deserve closer attention.

The word ezer is used elsewhere in Scripture to describe God Himself. He is the helper of the fatherless (Psalm 10:14), the deliverer of King David (Psalm 70:5), and the one who shields and rescues Israel (Deuteronomy 33:29). In Exodus 18:4, God is called ezer, our help and our deliverer. Far from suggesting subordination, ezer conveys strength, rescue, and indispensability.

As Carolyn Custis James (2012) points out, ezer appears twenty-one times in the Old Testament, twice for the first woman, three times for military allies, and sixteen times for God Himself (Evans, 2012). The term evokes a picture of a vital, life-saving presence. When paired with kenegdo, meaning “like opposite him” or “corresponding to him,” we see a vision of woman not as subordinate but as an equal counterpart, a strong, necessary partner.

This is no minor supporting role. Eve is presented not as an afterthought, but as the culminating act of creation. Her presence completes the relational wholeness that reflects the triune God. The mutuality and harmony between Adam and Eve point to a design of shared responsibility, love, and purpose.

Photo by KoolShooters : https://www.pexels.com/photo/a-group-of-women-lying-on-a-picnic-blanket-while-having-fun-8531237/

A Lifesaver and an Ally

This understanding of ezer kenegdo casts woman as more than a helper in the modern sense of the word. She is a co-regent, created to stand beside man in the stewardship of God’s creation. Trusted scholars such as Longman III, McKnight, McKinley, and Walton interpret ezer as “ally”, a term used in military contexts to denote strength and solidarity. Woman is not an accessory to man, but an indispensable ally in fulfilling God’s mandate (Longman & McKnight, 2016; Walton, 2001).

Before sin entered the world, there was no shame (Genesis 2:25). Adam and Eve enjoyed each other fully, with no barriers between them. They were completely known and completely loved. This is a level of intimacy and wholeness we long for and will one day know again in the presence of God.

Their physical and relational distinctions reflect God’s design. As Larry Crabb (2013) suggests, the man is designed to move confidently into relationship, while the woman is marked by relational depth, receptivity, and life-giving strength. These movements are not hierarchical but complementary, each giving from a place of secure identity in God. They did not grasp for control; instead, they gave freely, nourished by their communion with Him.

When God presented Eve to Adam, his joyful exclamation, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh,” reveals the delight of discovering someone like him, yet distinct. The narrative continues, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and be united to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). This move toward unity and mutual dependence is striking. As Ruth Haley Barton (2007) notes, it is the man, not the woman, who is described as leaving his family to cleave to his wife. This act of movement and reorientation suggests a model of relationship rooted in interdependence and mutuality, rather than authority and submission.

A Larger Purpose

This understanding challenges me to reconsider what it means to be a Biblical woman. Rather than being confined to rigid roles, I am invited into a story where my presence, gifts, and strength matter deeply. John Eldredge (2011) suggests that woman was created to fight for the restoration of hearts, to call forth the courage and strength within man, and to reflect God’s own rescuing love. That resonates with me. It suggests that my calling as a woman is not to shrink back or remain silent, but to step forward as a courageous ally, a bearer of life, a vital participant in God’s redemptive work.

And so, I continue my search, not for a label or a definitive camp to belong to, but for a deeper understanding of God’s heart. I want to live into the fullness of who He created me to be: an ezer kenegdo, a reflection of His love, strength, and relational beauty.

Closing Thoughts

I don’t claim to have all the answers. These questions, about womanhood, calling, and identity, don’t resolve easily, nor should they. They invite ongoing discernment, prayer, and humility. What I do know is this: God created woman with intention, strength, and deep relational capacity. Whether I am teaching, nurturing, challenging, or simply being present, I carry His image. I am not defined by cultural scripts or theological debates, but by the One who formed me and calls me His own. My longing is to live authentically and courageously as a woman shaped by His truth, strong, tender, wise, and free. And perhaps, in embracing the mystery and beauty of ezer kenegdo, I will reflect something of the God who helps, heals, and restores us all.

Understanding woman as ezer kenegdo, a strong, indispensable ally, shifts the conversation beyond narrow role definitions and invites us to reconsider God’s design for gender partnership. But how has this design been interpreted within the wider Church?

For decades, two dominant frameworks have shaped Christian thinking around women’s roles in marriage, ministry, and society: complementarianism and egalitarianism. While both claim scriptural fidelity, they reflect differing convictions about authority, leadership, and the nature of gender distinctions. As I continue to wrestle with what it means to be a biblical woman, I find it essential to examine both views with honesty, humility, and a heart open to God’s truth.

Declarations

Heavenly Father, as You created Eve as an ezer kenegdo, a strong and vital helper to Adam, I ask that You empower me to be a powerful and supportive presence in the lives of those around me, especially my husband. Grant me the strength, wisdom, and courage to stand alongside him in his times of need, to be a voice of encouragement, and to actively engage in the challenges he faces.

Help me to use the unique gifts and abilities You have given me to uplift and empower my husband, reflecting Your image as a true ezer kenegdo. May my life be a testament to Your design for partnership, strength, and love. Amen.

Reflection Questions

What assumptions have I carried about the role of women in marriage, the church, and society? Where did these beliefs originate?

How does understanding the Hebrew termezer kenegdochallenge or affirm my view of what it means to be a woman created in God’s image?

Have I experienced tension or confusion between complementarian and egalitarian teachings? How has this impacted my sense of calling or identity?

In what ways have cultural, familial, or church traditions shaped my understanding of gender roles? Have I taken time to explore what Scripture really says?

Do I feel empowered and valued in my relationships, especially with men? If not, what might God want to restore or renew in me?

How might seeing myself as an “ally” and “rescuer” in the image of God change the way I relate to others, especially my spouse, children, or community?

Am I open to continuing this journey of discovery with humility, curiosity, and a desire to align my beliefs with the heart of God?

About the Author

Dr. Paula Davis, a clinical counsellor, supervisor and educator with three advanced degrees, specialises in trauma counselling, and before she retired, was a senior lecturer in counselling, designing and delivering curricula. Her book, “Eating Water, Drinking Soup: Finding Nourishment in the Deepest Pain” is available on request. With her husband, she delivers marriage programs internationally. In 2021, they published “A Safe Place: A Marriage Enrichment Resource Manual” available on online bookstores. While she derives fulfilment from making a positive impact, she also appreciates the simple pleasures of life, such as spending time with her husband over coffee or engaging in outdoor adventures. Never one to be deterred by challenges, she has undertaken skydiving, cage-diving with great white sharks in South Africa, walking with African lions, and zip-lining across the Victoria Falls gorge.